Oh Christina...

You know what's sad? Christina Aguilera. And the fact that she just blew right up like my "Watch it Grow Jesus." I don't mean to be a superficial bitch but fat is just not working on her. I mean honestly, has no one else seen the resemblance between Snooki and her? It's fucking uncanny. Let me show you:

Okay so I couldn't find a full body shot of Snooki. And surprisingly enough, all the photos of her combined don't equal the wreck that is the Christina picture above. But I think the resemblance is in the way their boobs seem to come up as if trying to eat their faces. I don't know...maybe it's just me, but I never really got into the whole fad of wearing push-up bras to hide the fact that I have a neck.

UPDATE: I found a picture of Christina that more closely resembles the Snooki photo above.

Okay, so maybe it's still not that great, but I swear I didn't make this whole thing up. I just think the way the weight spread out is weird. It's like they're still small, but they just have chubby faces and little dwarf arms.

Awww Shhhit

In the summer when my mind was at its peak of creativity, I would write down all these funny/weird things that would happen to me--mostly at work. Looking back on my notes written down on slips of receipt paper months later, I've discovered that not one of them is funny. But I haven't posted anything in a while, and it's not like anyone reads this anyway, so I might as well just dump a bunch of shit on the internet. Isn't that what it's for?
These are word-for-word notes:

Little girl: "Mama? Is it true that unicorns exist?" Pause. I think they do because they don't have magic powers, they just have a horn on their head."

The time my art teacher overheard me saying that I hate babies. She asked me if I'd ever held a newborn baby. And I said that it had been traumatizing. She actually had tears in her eyes. I believe she thinks I'm the devil. But then again, she abuses her husband and forces him to make her lunch and pack her an entire package of oreos every trivia Thursday.

Salsa package: "the freshness of your first kiss"--I'm not sure I want to be remembering my first kiss every time I eat salsa...

I just realized how funny the word "nickel" is.

Lamb-chop slippers<<I HAD THOSE!

I'm reading this book and the first chapter seems fine and then boom some prostitute eats some guy with her vagina. Don't you hate it when vagina dentata just happens like that?

Slow motion old person handing me money at work.

Casseroles without the C spells asseroles.

Until now, I thought the phrase "for all intents and purposes" was "for all intensive purposes." I feel like my world has turned upside-down.

Whitney Houston keeping it real.

You're welcome.

WARNING: Peppermint in large amounts is not soothing.

Conversation I had with my friend, Rachael:


Me: I feel like there is an alien baby about to explode out of my stomach...but it's more likely that I just have a stomach ache from eating twenty peppermint patties.
Rach: Wait...that's the funniest thing you've ever said.
Me: Isn't mint supposed to be soothing? There should be some warning about overdosing on peppermint.
Rach: Well, I think mint is soothing when you've had like one, but twenty...
Me: Yeah. Twenty should be like SUPER MOTHER-FUCKING SOOTHING.
Rach: ...
Me: That shit should be bolded on the front of the package.
Rach: Well, unlike you, most people don't eat twenty, so they don't have this problem.
Me: This is an outrage. I'm pissed.
Rach: Because you're a glutanist?    
Me: I refused to be discriminated against. Hannah's boyfriend gave me a sticker that's supposed to make me feel better, but I feel fine so how am I supposed to know when I feel better? Also, I feel worse because I ate so many peppermint patties. I think I might vomit....I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL, RACHAEL. EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I AM AT FAULT HERE?
Rach: It takes a special person to follow your thoughts. Unfortunately, that's me.

In conclusion, I'm disgusting and suffer from mild ADD. Also Rachael totally made up the word glutanist...